On: Vanity

Okay, I admit it,
I have been spending increasing
Amounts of time in front of the mirror.
It’s true,
It takes me longer to check myself out
Than it does for me to shower.
But maybe there comes a time
When vanity can be a good thing.
See, I have built this reflection,
And I almost lost it
A few years back,
So maybe there comes a time
When you deserve a little vanity.
Maybe once you destroy the body
And learn to put it back together
You deserve a little leeway.
Sure, I still scream like a little man,
And I still throw like a boy,
But I will never apologize
For appreciating God’s gift to me.
Maybe I was born dissonant
To the organs I was given,
But learning to change
And learning to love myself
Took more than just prayer,
It took vanity.

My mind has often
Ordered attacks on my body.
That’s why I can’t shower with my eyes open.
That’s why I keep the pills downstairs.
That’s why I write.
So I don’t accept the pleads my mind makes.

And once I tried suffocating my mind’s eye.
There’s no reasoning with madness.
And there’s no reasoning with my mind.
Maybe I am mad,
As they say.
Maybe my mind and body
Are just too different to live as one.

Maybe a little vanity
Is a small price to pay
For no weapons aimed at me
For no fire creeping up
For a peek in the shower
For one more day
For one more hour
For one more minute- alive.

I’m scared that if I tell vanity
How long I had to travel to get here
She will take me as prideful.
It’s not that I am not proud,
It’s just we haven’t known each other very long.
And people usually freak
When I tell them the story
Of how this body came to be.

Okay, I admit it,
I have been spending increasing
Amounts of time in front of the mirror.
It’s true,
It still takes me longer to check myself out
Than it does to shower.
But maybe vanity isn’t so bad.
Maybe something that gives me the strength
To look in the mirror and smile
To keep the pills down stairs,
To open my eyes,
Maybe something that gives me
One more moment of peace
Isn’t so bad.

See I destroyed my body,
And through all the rubble
I made something of myself,
It took almost losing my reflection
To realize how to
Allow myself to heal.

See my reflection
Was built on a burial ground,
With little shards of mirror
And tiny toy cranes.

I will not apologize for vanity.
Because God gave me this gift,
And if smiling at a mirror is wrong
I don’t think I want to do right.

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5 thoughts on “On: Vanity

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