All I Want is to be Loving You

I wish it was love- I truly do.
But, even as I write these words my spine curls a little farther.
I have never lied to you- until that day.
I’m not sure why I said it,
It all happened so fast.
At the time, I didn’t know it wasn’t love.
But after I realized,
All I did was bite my tongue and cry.
I didn’t love you,
The fact that I let you in kills me.
When you left the torment consumed me.
I didn’t know what love was,
Until I felt it.
It’s been over a year,
And I’m in love with you now as I should have been then.
I don’t want you back,
Although a piece of me does.
I don’t want to do anymore damage. 
I can’t live as the baggage you carry. 
“A past lover”: my worst nightmare. 
I love you now, as I should have then. 
And I hate myself for it. 
I wish it wasn’t so,
I wish I didn’t love you. 
I wish I resented our past,
But a part of me wants it back. 
A part of me wants you, back. 
I don’t want to know,
If you still love me. 
But i do, 
You do. 
I miss us, sometimes. 
Sometimes I wish I was comfortable 
Hurting you. 
At least that way, 
We could both be happy. 
Perhaps the pain would whiplash
Both of us. 
I’m sorry I loved you too late. 
I’m sorry I lied. 

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